It's a start....

Ok well so far today I've ran...jogged... ok well I mostly walked three miles. It's a start and I'm proud of myself. I've had eggs to eat so far, and will probably go grab something else before I hit the shower (if my little sister ever gets out) and then it's off to the dentist.
I need to remember to pack food in my purse to eat when I get busy cause if I don't then I forget to eat and then roam through the kitchen like a mad woman shoving whatever I can into my mouth. It does not end well...especially when your mother buys ice cream sandwhiches, and cookies at the store!

Today is the Day!!!

So I had an "epiphany" today. I have always always always been friends with absolutely gorgeous girls, and I have always been some what average. I know I'm a beautiful girl, but my weight has always stopped me from feeling what I know is inside me. I'm constantly looking at guys and saying I bet if I was skinny he would be attracted to me. Plus it's not even just the attractive factor it's that I want to live a long healthy life, and I can't do that if I continue down this path. My biggest problem is my mind. I have such a hard time pushing myself with things get hard. I am truly my own worst enemy. I have to find a way to push myself. I can want it as much as my heart can want it, but it's getting to the finished product that's the problem. I'm 19 years old I'm 5'2 and way currently 155. THAT'S NOT OKAY!!!! Weight loss aside I need to prove to myself that I can stick to something no matter how hard it gets. Even writing this in my head I'm running in circles and into walls worrying that I can't do this... I thrive off instant gratification. The snooze button on my alarm is my best friend, and it's easier to eat an ice cream bar then to go to the gym. This is how I've always been. I've grown up accustomed to things being handed to me. I know the meaning of hard work, but if it can be avoided then by god I'll avoid it. The hardest struggle is the struggle between me and myself. How can I say no to me???
I also have no idea where to start, what to do, what to eat... it's agonizing.
BUT
I'm going to do it this time!!! For me and myself!!! I'm going to start running, and eating better, drinking more water, but above all I'm going to start loving myself for who I am. It will take time...and I'm sure there will be crying involved, but to hell and back I'm going to stick with it.

I'm planning to keep track of it on my blog. Record what I eat, how I exercise and keep pictures up to show how my body is looking.

Here's what I look like now... this picture was just taken a few weeks ok. Not pretty I know....

What A Weekend

This weekend has been quite the crazy one. On Friday my little sister A. was installed as Marshal in an organization called Job's Daughters (if you'd like more information go to www.utahjobies.org). Now this is pretty cool because I have also served in the positions she is undertaking and done the job's she has to do. I worry because I know the challenges I had to push through and I hate to see her have to do the same thing, but I also know how much I loved it, still love it. She will do outstanding I have no doubt of that. I'll just be holding my breath for the next two and half years while she does so!
So that was on Friday. Now Saturday was a whole other story. I hadn't been feeling well, and decided to skip out on Jobies for the night till my friend K. called and said she was having a birthday party and I had to come no ifs, ands, or buts. So I called my friend R. and off we went. OH MY GOD did I have a blast. It turned out that the house the party was at was actually my cousin's. We caught up on crazy family stuff, and talked about school and boys. I told her I was sort of starting to like the boy that I had brought to the party, but wasn't sure where it was all going. This party also made me realize that all this shit I've been worrying about lately like not having friends or not being cool enough was total bull shit. Everyone there was so glad I came, and just made me feel so at home. I even got hit on a few times, and am going out on a date with a boy (K.'s brother) later this week. I guess we'll see how that goes I suppose.
Today I spent most of the day with my family. We had dinner, and then went and saw UP which I highly recommend it is soooo funny. There is a dog on it named dug who is absolutely hysterical. It was nice to spend time with my funny, but at some moments you could just sense how much tension there is at the moment. My brother eggs my parents on, and my mom well... is my mom. Sometimes it's just hard to be around them. It's like your walking on egg shells just trying not to piss them off. They hardly if ever approve of what we're doing, and use the ever popular saying "we've been where you've been, and we just don't want to see you get hurt" it's believable, but sometimes I wonder how much of that is true and how much of this is just a power play. Who knows. Well I'm going to head to bed... or at least try to.

Love,

Morgan

Starting over...

So I hard to start a new blog because my old one was being all technologically challenging! So I'll make the same stipulations in this one as in my old one. First off... I'm going to be honest. If you don't like what I have to say then feel free to express your opinions I am always open and willing to listen, but don't just complain to complain. If you don't want to read my thoughts then don't it's that simple. Secondly, I am not an English major (mom) so please don't expect perfect grammar or punctuations. I'll try my best, but no promises.

On with the writing. So I started writing with very angry intentions. I got a not so nice text from my ex J. today, after sending him a very nice text might I add! It really hurt my feelings because the things he said were not at all true, and while I can't say he was my first love he was my strongest, but then a song came on my computer called "I'm Gonna Find Another You" by John Mayer. The lyrics truly struck a cord and made me realize that my anger is a total waste of time. Here are the lyrics maybe that will help you understand a little better what I'm saying.

John Mayer
"Gonna Find Another You"

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When I was your lover
No one else would do
If I'm forced to find another, I hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you

I love how music can just wrap you in this safety blanket of sorts, and make everything better. It's not even just listening, but I can think of nothing else I want to do but write and sing...and dance of course! These little changes in my life are really starting to help. I can feel myself growing stronger, better, and as much as these changes hurt, and as long as they may take. I'm willing to make the journey. So I thought I'd list a few of them here and I welcome you guys to list them as well :D

1. Love myself
2. Let go of the little things
3. Be healthier physically, and emotionally
4. To wear more brightly colored socks!----->>>
5. Write, Sing, and Dance more... I will never make an excuse to not to one of these things!

These are just a few... I'm thinking baby steps for now.

Love,

Morgan